I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
