you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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