She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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