My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
