just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
do herpes really smell.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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