i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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