Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Alive.
So much puke
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
