Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
