The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
