party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
