Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My balls are so social today.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
