you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
