Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
