New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
