Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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