dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
