Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
