Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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