I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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