OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
