I think i sorta joined a cult last night
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Dicks are not precious.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
