Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
