i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
