i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The uberlube is also flammable
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
