Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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