Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Randomize
