smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
