just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
