at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
