i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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