Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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