The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
