Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
