i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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