my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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