he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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