You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
