i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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