so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
