I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Success! We fucked roommates!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
