if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
