good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
