I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
