There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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