Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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