It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
