Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Why are your pants in the freezer?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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