The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I think i got beer on your cat.
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