you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
