Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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