I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
