I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
