It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
