dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
