come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
