last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
