The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
