My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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